Read this post, then go home to your boyfriend, or best friend, or wife, or mom, or lover/pool boy, and thank them for not being Melyssa. They may not know what you are talking about, but after reading this submission (from A — thanks!), I am aware how grateful I am for my friends, and anyone who is not like this chick.
We rarely roast an individual, but the time is now. Your (hilarious) commentary is anticipated.
ossacip says: NO ONE can go FURTHER than ME!!!
I am SO SO SO SO like far ahead of ALL of YOU cuz you are all just AVERAGE and you OBSSESS over ME. Did I mention I was far far FAR above that averageness??
So who’s with me on getting this cleaning company started? I am totally serious.
Lit says: You forgot the tag “please don’t reproduce ever”
Mo says: Photography, nursing, and social work are great, but I think she should probably start with an English course. Or does being so super-wickedly-awesome and obviously perfect mean you don’t have to use correct grammar and punctuation?
Amy says: Dial-A-cliche
AnonyS says: Wow… And notice that her sister died but she only mentions it in brief passing when she goes to the funeral. WTF?! Even if you don’t get along with your sister, you should be more upset, not post a million cheerful fucking status updates like you don’t give a shit. I think she deserves the Bitch of the Year Award for that.
Ondine says: AnonyS; Apparently she’s been through so much shit, that she can move on from her sister’s funeral and get on with her life. But then again, these updates are somewhat out of order, so who knows when that specific update was posted.
B says: Did this submitter save these up? She has different profile pics. Once you change it, FB automatically changes all status updates to include the new pic. No wonder the posts are out of order. I do think it needs the tag “your profile pic is annoying” since she is half dressed in all the pics.
Turnish says: I’m all about self-confidence, but that is ridiculous. I am not witty or hilarious enough to come up with a proper roasting, so I will simply express my dismay that such a person exists, and hope for more Bridgets in the world.
Kore says: Just another orange-skinned bleach blonde bubblehead. Nothing to see here, folks – move along.
meg says: hmm. there were so many skin colors, i almost thought this was a compelation of 4 different Melyssa’s. but then i realized this was just one strong, intelligent, not-average and not-fake woman. i think i’d like to ASK ABOUT HER. she seems to have a pretty accurate view of herself.
p.s. which career is Melyssa most likely to end up with?:
A. Social Worker
B. Bikini Model
C. Nursing
D. Maid
Ever says: I like how the puts “life coach” in quotes.
lucrezaborgia says: She needs to work on her grammar, spelling, and punctuation.
Ever wonder how mummys were invented?
Well, one day in ancient Egypt, an ancestor of Melyssa’s was chillin’ on a street corner in her hood, being ‘all that and a self-awareness improvement book’. Every 15 minutes, with complete disregard for anyone but her fanciful self, she would holla to the masses, her plan to install aluminum siding to the pyramids so that she could cook bacon on the hot surface.
One day word was sent to Pharoah that this person could not shut the fuck up and had stated that they were more the ‘cat’s fucking meow’ than he. Pharoah was a jealous ruler and immediately sentenced her to death. She was beheaded by morning.
As her body lay in a motionless heap, her head rested on the other side of the guillotine in the very basket that Moses used to water ski with as a baby in the River Nile, and the mouth on her bodiless melon continued to rattle up and down, boasting of her plans to become a surgeon and sew her head back on. Finally, realizing she would never shut the fuck up, pharoah commanded that 2000 ace bandages be ordered from Walmart (best price AND he had a coupon) When the shipment arrived, the servants went right to tthe task at hand and used 1950 of of these bandages on her sprained mouth and this nearly solved this quandry. However, after watching “Queer eye for the straight guy” the previous evening, Pharoah was concerned with the disproportion of the corpse’s outfit and ordered the rest of the bandages be wrapped around her body and she be placed deep into the tombs to avoid all muffled echos.
So, that’s how mummified bodies originated. At least that’s what I heard.
