Read this post, then go home to your boyfriend, or best friend, or wife, or mom, or lover/pool boy, and thank them for not being Melyssa. They may not know what you are talking about, but after reading this submission (from A — thanks!), I am aware how grateful I am for my friends, and anyone who is not like this chick.
We rarely roast an individual, but the time is now. Your (hilarious) commentary is anticipated.